This has been a very difficult month. I've always believed that God is in control & that he was directing my steps on this journey. About 7 weeks ago, I visited the nursing home for the first time with Kenny. Since then Bonnie & Dad have gone with me. Mom has been declining & I have talked a lot about her with the social worker at the N.H. They had an opening on December 21 and although it seemed too soon, it also seemed like it was perfect timing considering mom's decline. Dad agreed that she had been changing and Bonnie was very concerned for her safety.
Bonnie and I took mom on Monday. I can't believe my mom is in the nursing home and that I am the one that took her there. How can something so right seem so awful. We are all crying often and Dad feels terrible. I know it is the best care for mom and she seems to be adjusting without a lot of upset. I only hope that she continues to adjust and that the rest of us can too.
I'm sorry that I couldn't have done more for my parents but I'm at the end of my rope.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Like a Kid at Christmas
It has been a difficult couple of weeks. I felt like I was handling things o.k. and then it was time to say good bye to the cows. I was very disappointed when our first plan did not work out. The local ranch offered a very low price that rattled our cages. I called a couple of other farmers and arranged for a truck to come pick them up and take them to auction.
I am glad that Bonnie had decided to come up. It was sad to see them go and her support and Ken's was definitely needed in the situation. Not knowing the price the cows would bring only added to the distress. As it turned out the auction brought a couple thousand more so it was a good decision. Now, it's just a matter of getting use to the empty barnyard. At times mom remembers that they are gone & says she knows Pa could no longer take care of them. Other times, she thinks they are just over the hill. Who would ever have thought cows could be such a part of the fabric of a family. It feels like a hole has been ripped.
Yesterday, mom & I went to church as usual. It is difficult because mom is always asking questions about who I am, how long am I staying & where did I come from. After church, we stopped by the dump to say hi to dad. Mom gives him a quick hug & hurries over to look in the recycling bin. She pulls out a little tin can and smiles like she just got a present. She then moves over to the other door and pulls out another can. I'm thinking just what we need more stuff in that house but she is telling me she is going to put some flowers in those cans and they will be so cute. Later in the day when dad comes home he tell her he brought her a couple of boxes of dishes. Maybe, you will find something you want. She actually forgets about it & he reminds her. I tell her you better go look at those boxes. She puts on her big blue hat and jacket and I'm watching her from the kitchen window. She is beaming like a kid at Christmas as she looks in the big box. She hauls it in and ooohs and aaahs over her new treasurers. I go along with the excitement and figure in a few days I will be hauling it to the thrift store but for now mom is happy & dad enjoys her excitement.
How long will this last? When will another change need to happen? Is mom safe? Will she start a fire in the woodstove? Will she begin to wander? Does she really sleep at night? I have been repeating, "The Lord is my shepherd." in my racing mind.
I am glad that Bonnie had decided to come up. It was sad to see them go and her support and Ken's was definitely needed in the situation. Not knowing the price the cows would bring only added to the distress. As it turned out the auction brought a couple thousand more so it was a good decision. Now, it's just a matter of getting use to the empty barnyard. At times mom remembers that they are gone & says she knows Pa could no longer take care of them. Other times, she thinks they are just over the hill. Who would ever have thought cows could be such a part of the fabric of a family. It feels like a hole has been ripped.
Yesterday, mom & I went to church as usual. It is difficult because mom is always asking questions about who I am, how long am I staying & where did I come from. After church, we stopped by the dump to say hi to dad. Mom gives him a quick hug & hurries over to look in the recycling bin. She pulls out a little tin can and smiles like she just got a present. She then moves over to the other door and pulls out another can. I'm thinking just what we need more stuff in that house but she is telling me she is going to put some flowers in those cans and they will be so cute. Later in the day when dad comes home he tell her he brought her a couple of boxes of dishes. Maybe, you will find something you want. She actually forgets about it & he reminds her. I tell her you better go look at those boxes. She puts on her big blue hat and jacket and I'm watching her from the kitchen window. She is beaming like a kid at Christmas as she looks in the big box. She hauls it in and ooohs and aaahs over her new treasurers. I go along with the excitement and figure in a few days I will be hauling it to the thrift store but for now mom is happy & dad enjoys her excitement.
How long will this last? When will another change need to happen? Is mom safe? Will she start a fire in the woodstove? Will she begin to wander? Does she really sleep at night? I have been repeating, "The Lord is my shepherd." in my racing mind.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
coffee
Another Sunday with mom & dad. I go up before church & have coffee with mom & dad and then mom & I go to church & dad goes to work at his dump attendant job. It was about 9:30 when I got there & I was very surprised to see there wasn't any coffee made!! No big deal to some people but mom always has coffee first thing. I have always been grateful that mom could still make coffee but I think the time has come when that is slipping away too. It is very sad. I hate Alzheimers.
We had a nice time in church & came home and made vegetable soup. Mom is a peeler and chopper as long as I am there to guide her. She quickly peeled carrots and potatoes. Uncle Mike, Aunty Eunice and Aunty Mary came as soon as we had our pot of soup on the stove. Mom was thrilled to see her sister and hugged her hard. She seemed a little confused about Eunice. Mom and her sister had some tough times in the past and it was nice to see that mom isn't dwelling on those feelings anymore. We had a nice visit with them. I was frustrated with mom at times. I know I shouldn't be because she can't help the forgetfulness but I miss my old mom so much. It hurts. I played polka music to lighten the mood and mom and I danced and Mary, Mike and Eunice clapped. Mom can keep the beat and loves the music. It made everyone smile.
We had a nice time in church & came home and made vegetable soup. Mom is a peeler and chopper as long as I am there to guide her. She quickly peeled carrots and potatoes. Uncle Mike, Aunty Eunice and Aunty Mary came as soon as we had our pot of soup on the stove. Mom was thrilled to see her sister and hugged her hard. She seemed a little confused about Eunice. Mom and her sister had some tough times in the past and it was nice to see that mom isn't dwelling on those feelings anymore. We had a nice visit with them. I was frustrated with mom at times. I know I shouldn't be because she can't help the forgetfulness but I miss my old mom so much. It hurts. I played polka music to lighten the mood and mom and I danced and Mary, Mike and Eunice clapped. Mom can keep the beat and loves the music. It made everyone smile.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Good News
Yesterday was the long awaited doctor's appt. for dad. We found out that his PSA numbers have gone down from 10 to 8 which means no radiation at this time. The doctor called it "watchful waiting" & we will go back the first week in March to check the numbers again. This is a great relief to all of us.
A couple weeks ago, Ken and I went to the Spooner nursing home & then I took dad to see it. It is a larger home with many activities and the staff seems very in tune with the patients. They have music, dancing and cooking class. I can not even imagine mom being there but I also can not imagine care at home forever. It seems dad looks more tired lately & mom is definitely more confused. I hate this disease and what it does to mom. I am thankful for the time we have.
This past weekend was my nieces wedding in Ohio. I went with a cousin and it turned out to be a wonderful time but also sad. It was the first family occasion that I did not travel with my mom. I would have loved to have her along but I know that a trip like that is not possible anymore.
A couple weeks ago, Ken and I went to the Spooner nursing home & then I took dad to see it. It is a larger home with many activities and the staff seems very in tune with the patients. They have music, dancing and cooking class. I can not even imagine mom being there but I also can not imagine care at home forever. It seems dad looks more tired lately & mom is definitely more confused. I hate this disease and what it does to mom. I am thankful for the time we have.
This past weekend was my nieces wedding in Ohio. I went with a cousin and it turned out to be a wonderful time but also sad. It was the first family occasion that I did not travel with my mom. I would have loved to have her along but I know that a trip like that is not possible anymore.
Loving Words
Mom and I are sitting in the car as dad reads a sign just outside of the car. Mom is sitting in the back seat & I am in the driver's seat. She is looking out the window at dad and says,
"I don't know what I would do without that guy."
A long pause.
"He is getting kinda of old tho."
Another long pause and much feeling in her words.
"But I like him."
Her voice held all the love in the world for dad at that moment. It was precious and I hear her voice in my head whenever I think of that day.
"I don't know what I would do without that guy."
A long pause.
"He is getting kinda of old tho."
Another long pause and much feeling in her words.
"But I like him."
Her voice held all the love in the world for dad at that moment. It was precious and I hear her voice in my head whenever I think of that day.
Friday, October 16, 2009
secretarial duties
It is 2:30 and I have spent the entire day doing paperwork for mom & dad. Call about prescriptions. Talk to the doctor. Fix IRIS time sheet for caregiver. Call 3 places about personal care funding. Deposit money in checking. Mail check stubs to caregivers. Pick up prescriptions. Talk to social work and caregivers. These are little jobs that consume a lot of time. At least I am blessed to have the day to do it. Now I have a bucket of apples that will keep waiting & maybe go to the deer. One thing Alzheimer's teaches the caregiver is YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL, so apples must wait.
Mom's brother Steve came to visit today. A very nice thing to do, since I can't imagine taking mom on that long drive to see him. She seems more confused lately & asks lots of questions when completing simple tasks. Dad is hanging in there but I am worried about his ability to handle the situation & then there are the cows. Soon they will be sold & that will be a very sad time for us. We will continue to take it a day an hour at a time & see where this journey is taking us.
Mom's brother Steve came to visit today. A very nice thing to do, since I can't imagine taking mom on that long drive to see him. She seems more confused lately & asks lots of questions when completing simple tasks. Dad is hanging in there but I am worried about his ability to handle the situation & then there are the cows. Soon they will be sold & that will be a very sad time for us. We will continue to take it a day an hour at a time & see where this journey is taking us.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Forgetting Fall Days
The days, weeks and months seem to be flying by. Mom is loving the beautiful colors of the leaves. The other day when I took her to a dentist appt. She kept repeating, "Look at that! Look at that!" Over and over again. She has also mentioned that she has never seen the leaves look colorful. It is as if she has forgotten the fall days. She is awed by trees. She often makes remarks about their size and now about their color. She also seems to be a little afraid that tall trees could fall randomly and comments, "Look how big that tree is."
Mom was a little rough on one of the caregivers so they said they thought it was best if they didn't come back for awhile. They felt that mom was being upset too much by their presence. This is very sad because Dawn is a very loving, easy going person & a mighty good cook. Dad especially enjoyed her company & food. That probably led mom to not want her in the house. We are blessed with wonderful caregivers so one of them picked up Dawn's Fridays & for now I am doing Wednesdays. That has become mom's bath days. Not sure how long this schedule will last but for now it is o.k. When mom has had dentist appts it has been an opportunity for the caregivers to clean the house & throw out old food. I am so thankful to have help with this responsibility.
During the past month, it seems mom's memory has really been slipping. She never really seems to know who I am. She does call me by name but then often questions me if she is correct. She makes occasional statements about the kids being in school & wonders when they will come home. When my brother Geno called she talked to him & then hung up the phone and said, "Who is Geno?" I showed her the picture of us six kids but I really don't think it's there anymore. She says, "yep" really fast when I ask about her understanding. It seems like a generic response just to be agreeable. How awful it must feel to have lost what once filled your thoughts.
Mom has also been waking up in the night. Dad says that about 11 o'clock she thinks she should get dressed. I have told him to give her the sleeping medicine but as of yet, he doesn't think it is necessary. I am concerned about dad because he is fighting a cold, seems more tired & quiet than usual.
Mom has also been confused with making coffee. She will put the pot of water below instead of pouring it through the maker & her dish water coffee has turned into some mighty thick cowboy coffee. One day she made sugar water in a cup and then dumped it into the whole pot of coffee. I was glad I had already taken out my coffee.
Mom was a little rough on one of the caregivers so they said they thought it was best if they didn't come back for awhile. They felt that mom was being upset too much by their presence. This is very sad because Dawn is a very loving, easy going person & a mighty good cook. Dad especially enjoyed her company & food. That probably led mom to not want her in the house. We are blessed with wonderful caregivers so one of them picked up Dawn's Fridays & for now I am doing Wednesdays. That has become mom's bath days. Not sure how long this schedule will last but for now it is o.k. When mom has had dentist appts it has been an opportunity for the caregivers to clean the house & throw out old food. I am so thankful to have help with this responsibility.
During the past month, it seems mom's memory has really been slipping. She never really seems to know who I am. She does call me by name but then often questions me if she is correct. She makes occasional statements about the kids being in school & wonders when they will come home. When my brother Geno called she talked to him & then hung up the phone and said, "Who is Geno?" I showed her the picture of us six kids but I really don't think it's there anymore. She says, "yep" really fast when I ask about her understanding. It seems like a generic response just to be agreeable. How awful it must feel to have lost what once filled your thoughts.
Mom has also been waking up in the night. Dad says that about 11 o'clock she thinks she should get dressed. I have told him to give her the sleeping medicine but as of yet, he doesn't think it is necessary. I am concerned about dad because he is fighting a cold, seems more tired & quiet than usual.
Mom has also been confused with making coffee. She will put the pot of water below instead of pouring it through the maker & her dish water coffee has turned into some mighty thick cowboy coffee. One day she made sugar water in a cup and then dumped it into the whole pot of coffee. I was glad I had already taken out my coffee.
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